| : Mystic Dreams : | ||||
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Sunday, August 22, 2004 hmm .. guess it's been a while since i last blogged .. well .. i dont think there's much that i can say in here .. life's been a roller-coaster for the past few weeks i guess .. and my exam's only 3 weeks away .. i'm so SO DOOMED !! wish that i had studie more the whole year .. aihz .. well .. i have 1 week holz and i've not planned anything yet .. mebbe i'll spend the time studying .. or mebbe i'll just relex .. i dunno lar .. guess i shud go off and sleep now .. gotta wake up real early tomoro .. nitez~!
Thursday, July 29, 2004 heyz.. damn long didnt blog edi. ehehe. actually it's only a few days lar. anyway, nothing much to say lar. today went to skewl. was damn bored lar. first period was like econs and pn. kok was lecturing us about our montly exam grades. haihz, almost fell asleep lar. keep feeling really tired this few days. dunno why lar. well, the whole day in skewl was like usual. after skewl hitched a ride with quan xiong and chin han. quan xiong's mom drop me off at chin han's house first coz quan xiong and chin han wanted to take a bath first before goin to mayang. well, nobody was at home in chin han's house. i was kinda like tensed but then it wasnt for long lar since 10 minutes later quan xiong's mom came and picked us up again (you wont believe how fast guys can bathe). went to mayang, spend the day with chi xian. had a really REALLY great time with him. lol. then came home around 7pm. was damn sked that my parents will kill me but luckily for me, im still alive =3
Sunday, July 25, 2004 im okay already. finally im happie again. i have my panda back and i wont do anything stupid to lose him again. we've talked things over and came to the conclusion that we shud give each other another chance. i need him as much as he needs me.. mebbe more. it's hard to imagine life without him now that im so commited to him already. just hope that things will work out for us. anyways, glad that i have friends like teri and yen. thx being there for me when i need u guys the most. guess i shud go and sleep now. tomoro still hafta go to skewl. haihz.. nitez~!
damn.. my hand hurt.. fark it lar. i wud have just end my life.. if chi xian hadnt stopped me.. if he didnt call.. everything wud have ended last nite. all my pain and suffering wud have just end. all it took was 1 call from him to stop me.. *ouch* my hand hurts like shyt rite now. dammit ! it didnt hurt at all last nite. guess i was too numb to even feel anything then. haihz. it's my fault lar. im the one who asked him to leave. and now im crying coz of that. why does love hurt so much ? he said he still needs me. does he even know how much i need him too ? but.. i cant be weak.. im not suppose to be weak.. i've made a decision.. i shud stick to my decision. for his sake.. i need to be strong.. but.. it's so hard to be strong.. hard to be strong without him by my side supporting me, guiding me.. damn.. it really hurts.. both my hand and my heart..
Saturday, July 24, 2004 feel so lost. so so lost.. i know what i did was for our sake. but why does my heart tells me that it's wrong ? it's not like i really wanna do it. but then i dont want to hurt him more. this is the second and last time i'll hurt him already. no way im hurtin him another time. i really dont want to do this. im really sorrie. i wish that i cud take back my words and pretend nothing's happened, but then i'll only continue hurting him. he was so care-free last time. i've changed him. im really sorrie..
haihz.. chi xian's pissed at me. he said he went out yum cha at 9pm somthing and came back before 11pm just to chat with me. but i totally ignored him most of the times. i mean like, how am i suppose to chat and play RO at the same time ? at least i didnt totally ignore him or somthing like that. anyway, i bite my tongue and let him bite off my head again this time. im not gonna make matters worst by losing my temper also. i really dont get it. we're fine when we're both together but when we're apart, we always tend to argue. i really dont know what to do. he's changed so much. anyway, today in skewl, my class was like suppose to be having this econs exam *sighz* and i didnt really studie for it. so in the end, i just gave up and didnt bother to pass up my book. i know i know. i'll get scolded by teacher when she found out, but i just dont care. i dont really bother bout much stuff rite now. im too lost and too muddled up to think off other stuff. i really need to get my priorities straight first and figure out what i want in life. eesh. this is so not gonna be easy. guess i betta go to bed. suppose to wake up later in the morn and have breakfast with teri. nitez~!
Thursday, July 22, 2004 yay~ i've passed my english oral !! got 37/50. was damn worried that i cudnt get any marks coz i wasnt prepared at all. damn scarie lar. i was like standin rite i front of the whole class and my mind was like totally blank. all i cud say was "erm..", "uhh..". but at least i finally manage to crap some stuff out. tomoro i'll need to do betta. wanna get betta marks for english. it's the only subject that im good in. anywayz, wish me luck for tomoro's oral lar kayz ? =3
Wednesday, July 21, 2004 oh well.. today was kinda okay i guess. tried to concentrate on other stuffz instead of chi xian. stopped myself from thinkin too much (tho it's not really working). oh and guess how was my accounts exams. haha. my accounts teacher didnt come so we just copied like it's the most normal thing to do (well, actually it is lar but who cares? ). teri's in my room rite now sittin on my bed and crappin to herself. haha. wish i can take a picture of her sittin bed readin a magazine and talkin to herself. ehehe. anywayz, was chattin to teri just now bout lotsa stuffz that's on my mind lately. felt real good to be able to get some of my problems off my shoulders. haihz, feels like im drifting further away from chi xian. didnt called or chatted to him at all today. damn. wish i can tell what's goin on with him. he's changed so much. it's more like im dating with a stranger rather than my old panda. teri suggest that i shud just tell him how i feel but how can i when it's like whateva he says hurts me and me him ? wish that i cud get back the old panda i knew once. really hope that the old panda's still alive.. britney's song 'everytime' really suits my feelings now. and there's one part that i really wud like to tell to chi xian. it goes like :
i really dont know how long more i can stand this. really wish that i can turn back time rite now.. dont know if he'll forgive me or trust me again. it's just i hate feeling lonely. and im definately feeling really REALLY lonely rite now.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004 die liao !! tomoro im gonna be having accounts exam. shyt lar. hvnt studied for anything yet. and summore i hvnt finish my stewpid moral project. damn damn damn. how ler ? feel like wanna skip skewl tomoro but i know it's impossible. haihz. guess the only way is to pakat with my classmates. eesh. hate this kinda stewpid projects lar. gonna be sleeping at 1am in the morn 1 for sure. another sark-ish part is, i really miss my old panda. so damn not used to this new panda. dunno how to act around him anymore. dunno what shud i say, what shudnt i say. damn afraid of sayin sumtin wrong and we both end up arguein again. he needs time. im givin him all the time he needs, but sumtimes.. i need someone by my side too. i dont like bein lonely. loneliness got me into this mess in the first place. i really dont know.. dont know how to cope with loneliness at all. i dont know how long i can stand this. i might go insane, or worst, im worried i might do the same mistake again. now im tryin to hang out with my friends more to fill the loneliness but still.. it just isnt enuf. what can i do now ? seems like this relationship is goin nowhere. the trust is lost edi. i dont see how can i get it back. really, shud i just end everything now before either one of us gets hurt again ?
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.: a b o u t :. im May and im 16 this year. i love hanging out with friends and 'lepak-ing' around. there are lots more stuff that i love but well, guess u'll need to know more about me to find out =3 .: a r c h i v e s :. .: f r i e n d s :. - T e r i - .: t a g g i e :.
.: l i n k i e z :. original layout w4rnawarni : listen to the music designed by w4rnawarni @ blogskins |
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